So this is it! One more sleep

Not sure when I can get back on again, so thought I would update now.
Tomorrow is only hours away!  Gosh today went so fast.
My mind is just crazy today, I can't think straight.  I went to the shops this morning, but when I got there I can't remember why I went.  I do now, I was meant to get some magazines!  Looks like Jase and I will be staring at the walls tomorrow.  Cause he doesn't bloody talk lol!
Rang the surgeons office, looks like I am later in the morning, so all going well I should be going to theatre around 10.30am, surgery takes about an hour then there is recovery time.
Not sure what Jase is going to do while I am in. I told him to go for a surf or something.
Just gave Jase my horses for the Melbourne Cup.  Picked them by name, something that went along with what is going on with me.  So bring it on PROFOUND BEAUTY and MALUCKYDAY. 
I am off to spend some time with the family, get dinner organised and everyone in the bath and bed.  Then hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.
Please send me positive thoughts, and think of me.

'The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are'

OMG 2 sleeps! Kicked arse at another challenge today!

I can't believe its only 2 day's away!  Where have the last 3 weeks gone!  I need to get my butt into gear and get packed!  I also have to get the girls packed to stay at Nanna's for the week.
I feel I also have to write down everything that everyone needs to know, just incase something happens, like what day Billie wears what uniform, Word that Danni say and what they mean (only I can translate), what time Rosie has her sleeps and bottles.  So much stuff I think hubby will have no idea if anything happens.  Bet he doesn't even know where I keep the birth certificates and other important documents. 
Had another huge challenge today, but I kicked it in the face and then stomped on it!  Went to one of my SIL house.  She is a facepainter and has just taken over a business.  So she was having a day of painting the kids faces and another SIL was taking photos.  This is to update the website.  My SIL put on a huge spread of food for everyone.  Not even all of my favourite things, but when you have been on Optifast for 3 weeks, even a chicken nugget is your favourite thing!  There was party pies, sausage rolls, chicken nuggets, cocktail frankfurts, pastie, mini quiches & savoury scrolls (that I made) and lots of cold meats and so much more.  I served up some  for the kids.  I then came out and out my own salad I took.  I didn't touch any of it.  It was really hurting but I did it!  I was so proud of myself.  Only someone who loves food would understand.  It probably sounds stupid to anyone else, "wow you didn't eat" but for someone like me, its a BIG deal!
I hope that if I have faced those challenges and won, then hopefully that means I have the strength to get through the next few weeks full of challenges. 
I have been asked a heap of times what the plan is for eating over the next few week.  This is what I have been given from the Dietician.
Nil by mouth from midnight before surgery and until Wednesday where I may be able to go onto clear fluid (water, bonox, clear soups, apple/orange juice, cordial, flat lemonade/berocca.
3 days post surgery, which is usually friday, I will hopefully go home and be on a free fluid diet, known as liquid diet (no alcohol sadly lol)
I will be on that for 10-14 days, this means, Optifast shakes, sustagen, low fat milk/ice cream, drinking yoghurt, water, diet cordial, juice, thin soups, bonix, tea coffee milo, berocca or liquid multivitamin, Hydrolyte.
For the first 2 days when I am on clear fluids, I have to stick to 30ml sips every half to one hour.  I will also have IV fluids.

Then I will be on no more than 100ml at a time, wait half an hour before the next 100ml.
From there it moves to puree's and then mushies and then finally normal food (probablly just before christmas).

So there you have it! 

Scary thoughts going through my head

3 days to go until surgery.  Gosh its coming up fast!
Had an absolutely lovely day out with the family today. We went and had a beautiful picnic and hubby and the kids all had a swim.
I sat watching them from the bank as I always do.  This isn't a weight thing, I just like to know what I am swimming with lol!  Oh ok and I don't have any cossies that would fit!
I took heaps of photos. 
Why am I having scary thoughts of "this will be our last day out together" and "I hope this isn't the last photo they have of me".
While sitting there watching them all swim, I told hubby, maybe this time next year I will get in.
We were at one of our favourite camping spots.  We had a look around and we are now looking forward to our next camping trip.  I just hope I am there to share it with them.

Nothing to do with my diet but

What am I doing wrong?  I am so stressed with my kids and so tired, I don't know what I am doing wrong.
They are into EVERYTHING.  I can't go to the toilet without one of them getting their arm stuck in a drawer, or falling off a bed, or just beating the crap out of each other. 
Apparantly some mothers can get by without having a break from their kids.  Apparantly I shouldn't need any help with the house or any chores.  I should be doing it on my own.  So why can't I?  What am I doing wrong.
I go out to hang the washing on the line, Rosie falls over or falls off the lounge she is now climbing up onto.  Danni gets into the kitchen and pulls everything out.  Rosie follows her in and gets into it all.
Someone leaves the toilet or bathroom door open, so Rosie gets in and starts playing with the toilet water, gets into the bathroom and crawls into the shower and gets all wet.
Danni is constantly "hungy".  All she does is eat when she is home. 
We play, we go outside, we colour in, we read.  I don't know what else I can do with them.
Billie is another story.  HOw long does it take to put a friggen pair of socks on.  Tell her its time for her shower, she chucks a huge tantrum.  Billie, you have been having to Bathe for 9 years now, it shouldn't come as a surprise to you that you have to do it every night.  And getting her to brush her hair OMG!
Forget any intimacy between me and Jase.  That is 3 minutes of sleep time I can't afford to lose!  He falls asleep on the lounge.  I am in bed before the sun goes down.  Yet we are both up all nigth dealing with 1 child or another.
Last night Danni woke up screaming, so this in turn woke Rosie up.  While I dealt with Danni Jase dealt with Rosie. 
What are we doing wrong.  I am just so so so so so tired!

Thought it was all over today

I have been feeling really tired, I am getting enough sleep (I can't go to bed any earlier than I am!) But I just feel really Lethargic, its hard to describe.  I feel like I could just call up in a ball and sleep. 
I am also feeling ill, sick to the stomach.  I am sure it's the shakes.  I couldn't eat my salad tonight, I had my bar and 2 glasses of water. 
I can't believe how close Tuesday is.
I had a huge scare today, the phone rang and Jase answered it, came into the bathroom to tell me it was the surgeon's office.  They ask me have I been given a quote for surgery.  I say yes and tell her how much I was quoted.  She then say's no that it is $5000 more than I was quoted.  I burst into tears, that's it, its over.  I don't have another $5000.  She tells me to find the quote I was given and to ring her back.  I race down the hallway crying to see Jase with a very worried look in his eyes.  I find the quote and ring her straight back.  No definately the amount I was quoted, oh yes she say's that's right.  OMG!  She apologises profusely (sp) and tried to calm me down.
Finally I settled enough to ask her a few questions.  I don't need any pre admission appointments, it is done the morning of surgery,  I don't need to do a bowel clean out, they don't go anywhere near my bowel.  I may not be able to drive for a few days to a week, depends on how I recover.  I can't lift anything heavy.  Bring a magazine because I don't want to be staring at the wall waiting for my appointment time.  They will let me know Monday what time my op is being done.
Tried a For me' Yoghurt tonight, seeing I didn't eat my salad I thought I better try something else.  I got the sticky date pudding flavoured one.  Can tell you one thing, it needs more sticky date pudding!
Bought a little travel pack of toiletries today ready to pack my bag and some toothpaste etc. 
I have been really worrying about my emotions after surgery.  I don't take pain well and of course there will be the emotions of have I done the right thing.  Every time I look in the mirror I know I have made the right decision.
What a day, so many emotions in such a short time frame. 
I am ready for bed again.

This time next week..............

I will be in hospital hopefully recovering.... either that or on a table in the morgue!  I am so scared of dying.
My baby girl turned 1 today, what a day it was, Rosie has learnt to climb thanks to Danni.  She already has a black eye from falling off her sister's bed last week.  Today I spent most of the day getting her down from the lounge or on top of the toy box.  I have had to put a camping mattress on the floor infront of the lounge to soften the fall.  Yes it gives her more boost to get up, but she was getting up without it, so I would rather her fall onto that than the tiles.
Danni is still suffering from the terrible 2's, she is 3 but oh my god!  Does it ever end.  I was so exhausted this afternoon.  Jason came home from work and I was looking forward to a little reprieve.  But no he stayed out in the yard sorting out his tools for work.   Then he found our shed had flooded with the rain on sunday so his boat motor was full of water.  So he then spent an hour trying to fix that.  In the end I just went and lay on my bed crying, I didn't have the energy to watch them anymore.  I just had to let them run riot.
Tonight I am feeling really really angry at myself.  I have worked so hard for the last 3 weeks and tonight I stuffed up.  We went to my Mother In Law's for dinner for Rosie's birthday.  She got a Freddo frog Ice Cream cake for her.  I just had to have a slice.  I thought, it's my daughters birthday, I didn't have any cake at the party and I want to celebrate by having a slice.  I think it was the most delicious thing I have ever eaten!  But then the guilts kicked in (after I had finished the whole slice of course).  I feel so bad at myself, why did I do that.  I have let myself down.  I am hoping the scales don't make me pay for it tomorrow.
I still had my shake, I wasn't sure if I should or not, but I needed the protein that is in the shake so I had it. 
While making it up Rosie grabbed hold of one of the dining chairs and pulled it down on herself, she smacked her head on the floor and the chair smacked her in the head.  She screamed for about 15 minutes.  Times like that just bring me down and make me want to eat.  I am so worried about her.  We kept her up later just to keep an eye on her.  But how do you know if that is long enough.  It was an almighty bang when she hit her head, she also has a red mark just on her forehead above her non black eye!  God help me when I go to the shops tomorrow, I sense a DOC's call! 
I think I need to go to bed and sleep the day off, I am crying now thinking about having the ice cream, I know its just one slice but this is why I am having this surgery.  I don't know how to say no!

8 days to go!

I haven't blogged for a couple of days, I have just been so busy, I haven't had time to scratch myself!
Surgery is only 8 days away!  While you are all hedging your bets on the horses, I will be hedging my bets on my life! 
I can't believe its come up so fast.  I am so excited and really looking forward to finally having a healthier life.
We celebrated my baby girls 1st birthday yesterday.  We had a huge party.  Rainbow themed.  I was so proud of everything.  The decorations looked so pretty, the food looked amazing.  But most of all I am proud of me and my will power.  Even though my dietician said I would be able to enjoy the party good, I stuck to the plan and it didn't even bother me.  I did eat some of the meat that Jason cooked, and I had my Salad.  I ate some Guocamole dip with vegie sticks.  It may seem trivial to some but for someone like me who usually spends the entire time of any parties etc standing next to the food table stuffing my face, this is big!

Me enjoying the first meat I have eaten in 2.5 weeks lol!

Bacon & Corn Cobb Dip



Been thinking about all the things I realise I will be able to do once I lose weight.  I have never been able to go on any rides at the theme parks with my girls because I was too scared I was too big.  The only thing I ever went on was the Merry Go Round.  I am always the one standing watching , minding the bags, and taking the photos!  I can't wait (if we can afford it) to take the girls to a theme park and get on the rides with them and have someone taking photos of me instead!
I think I will make that my reward when I reach my goal weight.  Hopefully that will be 12 months away.

I am feeling really good.  Hunger pains are very few and far between.  Some meals I don't even feel like my vegies or salad.  I just have my shake or my optifast bar.

These Kids will be the death of me!

What a stressful day!
Actually, it started out quite calm and relaxing.  Rosie had a great morning sleep, Danni watched tv or just amused herself with her toys.
THEN Rosie woke up.  There is 2.5 years difference in age between them but it's like having twins.  First thing I hear Danni calling out to me "mummy I have a sore butt", she had a bit of a rash so I went to put some Paw Paw cream on it.  When I walked into her bedroom where she was, standing with her pants down, I could smell Vicks Vapour Rub and noticed the open jar on her bed.  I ask her did she put that on.  She said yes.  I smell her and yep sure enough she has! So I race her in to the bathroom and clean her up.
Go on with my business then a few minutes later I hear Rosie scream.  I run in and she is face down on the floor in Billie's room.  I ask Danni what happened.  She fell off the bed.  The bed luckily is only half a foot off the ground.  But Rosie has a black eye and carpet burn from her forehead down.  I give her cuddles and take her into the kitchen to put some ice on her eye.
Finally get everyone calmed down, I have had to send my mum to pick up Billie because I was dealing with Rosie.  Billie's school had been on an excursion and were due back at 3.15pm.  Mum texts me at 3.29pm, they still aren't back.  Makes a joke that maybe they had pulled over to the side of the road for Billie (She gets car sick). 5 minutes later I get a call from the school "Are you picking Billie up today?" Um, yes, my mum is there waiting. "Well Billie is here in the office with us, where in the school is your mum?" Mum was waiting in her usual spot and the bus had come in on the other side of the school!  Talk about give me a heart attack, I had been stressing all day about the bus going up the mountain and having scary images of it crashing etc.  Then to get that phone call! ARGH! Kids, who'd have em!
On a better note, weigh in day today, lost 2.5 kg this week! So that makes it a total of 6.2kg in 2 weeks.  I am feeling lighter! lol!  My clothes are so much more comfortable.
It's friday night, The older 2 kids have gone to Nanna & Popples for the night, Jase and I are having Montezumas.  I am going to have their Mexican Salad, raw Broccoli, Cauliflower, Carrot, Red cabbage, zucchini and apple with a lemon, Lime & Vinegar dressing!  YUM, can't wait!

Oh and 11 days untiil surgery!

V8 Drivers, Grid Girls, Raffles and Water!

I have been so busy this week!  It is just flying by, I really hope next week does too.  I have nothing on next week so I bet it goes really slow!
One thing I have noticed is, I seem to feel hot all the time, bit like a hot flush but constant.  Also in the mornings I feel a little sick.  A bit like morning sickness. 
Today I was selling raffle tickets at the Gold Coast 600 Launch lunch!  V8 drivers, Grid Girls, celebrities and rev heads!
The people and drivers were really nice, One man asked me if I had ever been to Adelaide, when I informed him I hadn't, he offered to take me there!  I told him I come with 3 kids.  He asked how old they were.  When I told him he said, maybe when they are a bit older! bahahaha!
Then another one pointed to a picture on the big screen of one of the gorgeous grid girls.  he asked me if it was me!  Yeah mate, before kids! lol
One of the other Make A Wish Volunteers has offered, in 3 months time, she will give me a make over.  Spray tan, make up,  hair.  We shook on it!  She said I deserve it.
I am hearing that alot lately.  "You deserve it".. Why?  Why do I deserve these things?  I an just a normal cranky mum always yelling at her kids, complaining about them, sending them off to be babysat! 
What have I done to deserve anything good?
Didn't get a chance to eat my salad or have my shake at lunch today.  By the end of the function, I could have eaten the ass out of a low flying duck!  Or the horse and his jockey!  I got back to my car and made up my shake.  Had to get home to get the girls out of mums hair so didn't get to eat my salad.  I felt alot better after having my shake anyway.
By the time I got home it was time to get dinner organised for the tribe. I cooked them Tuna Mornay, I had my salad I didn't eat at lunch time.  I also received my order of more shakes and some optifast bars.  I ordered Cappacino to give them a try,  I couldn't wait to have it after my salad.  Yum!
Didn't get my 2nd piece of fruit in, might have that shortly with some no sugar jelly!
Even though I am feeling really good, positive and motivated, I still am lacking alot of energy.  Infact even trying to brush my hair leaves me breathless!  I know its because I am not having as much protein, but I really hope that fixes itself soon.
Took a photo of me today showing me all dressed up for work.  Posted it on facebook and heaps of people say they can see the weight loss already.  Wish i could see it!

Starting to feel hungry so it must be fruit and jelly time!  Weigh in day tomorrow, I am excited. 

Your past does not equal, nor does it dictate, your future

I think I can actually do this!

Its getting so much easier to cope with, I am not feeling as hungry, infact, I am finding it hard sometimes to have my salad or vegies.  My stomach must be getting used to starving lol.
I wanted to crack yesterday so bad, I hadn't had any sleep (1 year old Diva) in total it was 41.5 hours I was awake for until last night.  So yesterday, all I wanted was something just so meaty and yummy. I didn't cave though.
Finally got some sleep last night and this morning I feel so much better.  Had alot to do today, I needed to remove my dirty bikie goatee so went and got waxed, saw my Dietician who was so impressed with my progress, said I had done everything right, even said I could enjoy a bit of food at Rosie's party!  Yay Spit Roast here I come!  I am going to push my face right into the plate........................................................... and well you can just imagine lol. 
I then had to see a Cardiologist.  Because of my SVT, I was worried that I will go into Tachycardia just after surgery, which my Surgeon believes WILL happen.  So I was worried about how they will stop the SVT.  Usually I have to hold my nose and blow really hard or lay flat on the floor and put my legs straight up.  (Now there is an image for you to go to bed with hehehe!).  Or sometimes I am given medication.
I have been put on some medication that will stop me from going into Tachycardia after surgery (or before) and then he wants to operate on that a month after surgery!  He couldn't believe it hadn't been done already.  oops!  (In my defence, I was diagnosed in 1995 and I have always been told it is not life threatening!)
Feeling great this afternoon, everything went so smoothly today, everyone was really nice to me, the kids ate their dinner without argument.
Oh and a bonus my cardiologist Bulk Billed! lol
Only down part of the day was the scales haven't moved in 2 days.  I think that is because I have been so tired my body started storing any energy it had.  My dietician says I will probably lose another 5kg before surgery!

~ Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself~

George Bernard Shaw



Can't help weighing myself every morning!

Every morning I have been weighing myself.  I know its a cardinal sin but I can't help it!  Its so exciting seeing the numbers go down every day!  I know it will slow down but it is just amazing at the moment.
My energy levels have definately picked up a bit. 
I had an appointment with my Dietician this morning, tried to change it to Wednesday because I have a few other appointments down the coast then, plus I had 3 feral children with me thanks to a pupil free day!
I rang at 8.30am and their computers were down so they had to ring me back.  They rang me at 9.30am said no couldn't change it.  So I got everyone together and headed down the coast.  20 minutes away from the Dietician the Receptionist rang me to tell me my Dietician is home in bed throwing her guts up so they have to cancel my appointment! ARGH!
I decide to keep heading down the coast, I had all the kids in the car, snacks packed and was prepared anyway.
We did a little shopping, got some things for Rosie's party, I found some different flavoured shakes, Strawberry and I got more coffee that I love.  Its so expensive though, I am really worried about the cost of that.  Sounds stupid considering what we are paying for the surgery.  But then even my vegies etc are expensive, it costs alot of money to eat healthy.
I was naughty again tonight, I ate a small papadum and also a spoonful of cous cous!  I don't even like cous cous but I had bought a Moroccan flavoured one for Jase a few weeks ago that he cooked up and I wanted to see if it tasted any better than the plain one.  Yum  I really liked it, but I stopped!  God damn it!
Ordering my lunch at Subway today, I had images that the people serving me and the people around me were making comments on me eating my plain salad.  I imagined they were telling me I was fooling myself and etc.  They weren't but for some reason that goes through my mind when people see me eat. 
I am hoping to get into a zumba class this week or next week, I have seen so many of my friends absolutely kick ass at Zumba so I want to give it a go!

"Each of us is great insofar as we perceive and act on the infinite possibilities which lie undiscovered and unrecognized about us." James Harvey Robinson


Very proud of my will power

I promised Billie (9) last night we would go to the local markets if we got up early enough. Big mistake, Biiiig mistake.
I was woken up by the noise of Rosie (11 months) crawling up the hallway.  I called out to Billie to see if she was with her.  No responce, I then hear Rosie crawl into the bathroom, I jump out of bed, race out get Rosie out of the bathroom, call out to Billie again, her and Danni are sitting infront of the tv oblivious to everything.  Its 6am!
I am just so sick of not getting ample sleep!
So I drag the 3 girls with me to the markets, Jase is out surfing as usual.  We walk all over the place looking for my mum and cliff who have a stall somewhere.  Can't find them anywhere.  Finally run into Cliff, we had walked straight past them! oops!
Say hello and then we go to find some fresh vegies.  I get some leeks, asparagus, zucchini, cauliflower, broccoli, onions, mushrooms and oranges.
We come home to put Rosie down for a sleep. 
I made a zucchini and leek soup, so easy, hope it tastes as good as it smells.  The recipe calls for light cooking cream and a sprinkle of parmesan.  I have left both out.
As we are going to the MIL for dinner, she usually does a yummy roast so I am taking along a bowl of soup to have. 
We are invited to my nieces birthday party at a pub.  We got ther efor lunch.  I knew I was going to have to try to work something out to eat.  I found Grilled Barramundi with salad or vegies.  I thought that would be my best option then I wouldn't have my midday shake.  Then Jase points to the Side Dishes menu and there is a garden salad!  Yay!
I order that and everyone elses meals for them.
Stupid me didn't think to ask for dressing on the side, the salad is coated in something, I don't know what.  I scrape off as much as I can.  Its nice, Jase gave me the salad off his plate also so I was actually quite satisfied.
Then it was cake time, I had taken along a optifast bar with me so I ate that while everyone else ate their cake.  I am so proud of myself.  Little let down about the dressing on the salad but proud of the choices I made.
Back to the dietitician tomorrow, make sure I am doing everything right. I am really hoping she tells me I should have been having meat!  I really miss my meat!

Feeling really good this morning

I am feeling positive this morning,
I don't know if its the Berocca I took yesterday, the fact that I finally had a meal with flavour last night, the fact that the sun is out, the fact my body is getting used to not eating.  I just feel good.  I have a spring in my step and I am smiling.
I definately need to try to track down some different flavoures of shakes.  My local chemist only has chocolate and vanilla.  Someone was nice enough to send me a strawberry shake and I really liked it.  So I like chocolate, strawberry but most of all coffee!  My local chemist can't even order it in,  The supplier for that chain won't do it apparantly.
Jase and I went to do a bit of shopping, I needed to try to find some things for Rosie's 1st birthday party next weekend.
It was right on lunch time and we decided to get something to eat.  I was lucky there was a subway there, I ordered a bowl of salad.  No dressing, no meat, nothing.  Although it was bland, it still filled the hole.  Jason's meat ball sub was all dried out and looked disgusting.
I made some stuffed capsicums, Jase found the recipe in my CSIRO diet cookbook.  I cheated a little and put a bit of grated parmesan cheese ontop.  They were actually quite nice, better than I was expecting.
I am thinking of going to the local markets tomorrow to get some fresh vegies and fruit.  I am so sick of my supermarket vegies going rotten within a day of purchase.

First weigh in

I guess I should post my starting weight!  Shouldnt I?  Shoud I?  Do you really want to know?  Nah, don't worry.  Oh ok!
Starting weight 119.1

I have lost 3.7kg

Gone, goneskiez, never to be seen again.
Told you I think I passed my liver!
Mind you, earllier in the week it was 4.1kg but I knew my body would go into shock and start storing.
Its still a loss.  It is all fluid at the moment I know, but its a result!
Now I had my first Berocca this morning.  Ok, now don't laugh. But I didn't know how to make it up! .................................................................................................................................................
............................................................................... ok have you finished laughing?
After all the years of my drinking and hangovers (thanks Leesa lol), I have never had a Berocca before.  I tried to read the instructions, but there was all the info about what nutrients are in it etc, and then down the bottom there are tiny instructions, 1 tablet in a glass of water.  Oh der!
I have been worrying about what is going to happen when I am in hospital.  Its going to sound bad, but I have told Jason I don't want him to bring the girls in every night.  Now before you all alert me to the bad mother society, let me explain.  We live about 30 - 35 (on a good trip) minutes away from the hospital.  This means Jase will be getting home from work at 4pm then having to get the girls organised to come down to see me.  Then they will have to find something for their dinner and then get home early enough so they can all be bathed and put to bed for school etc.  I don't want that added pressure on Jase.  I would rather they visit me once maybe and then I will ring them.  As much as I want to see them I just don't want to upset their routine.
I have been reading some forums and advice from other people that have had the surgery done.  There is so much useful information there.  From real people who have had real experiences, good and bad.  One thing I read was a list of things to take to the hospital.  People included things like Magazines, laptops, dvd players etc.  Sounds to me like there is alot of down time after surgery.  Well I actually got butterflies thinking I might get to read a magazine from front to back!  How exciting!  Only time I get to read a magazine now is if I am able to sneak off to the toilet without anyone seeing me and I read while I am in there.  Not that that ever happens!
Still feeling miserable about food.  JUst everything I make has no flavour.  I could really go a nice Thai chicken and Cashew nuts or a beef & black bean from chinese.  Just something with flavour! 

End to my first week of Optifast

Today was a pretty non eventful day, except for the same old story of being tired again!
I actually didn't feel up to making any salad or vegies for lunch so I just had my shake, but by 3pm I was getting stomach cramps and thought I was going to pass out!
After picking Billie up from school I ducked into Chemist Warehouse to get some more shakes.  They only have Chocolate and Vanilla.  I spoke to a staff member and demanded they order in more flavours.  I also checked out some vitamins to take.  My dietician recommended I find something with 400mcg of Folic acid in it.  The staff member I spoke to had no idea what that meant, we found things with 400 ui (or something) in it and we had no idea if that was the same thing.  In the end I went with the Berocca.  Alot of people had suggested it, the dietician said I will need more than what is in that but will be ok for now but after surgery I will need something more.
After leaving the shops, I tried to fold up Rosie's pram.  The bloody cord that releases the locking mechanism to fold the pram down has snapped.  SO it wouldn't release the lock.  Imagine me, I haven't eaten for a week, I haven't slept for over 7 weeks, trying to shove this uncollapsed pram into the boot of my car.  Of course it wouldn't fit, I had someone come and try to help and then suggest I put it in the backseat.  Well then where will I put the 60,000 baby seats I have in there already genius??
I contemplated just unpacking the crap out of the pram and just dumping it in the carpark, but I may live in Eagleby but I don't have to act like I do!
Finally after snapping something I got it to go down, I threw it in the boot and slammed the boot shut.  I now only have a stroller to get Rosie around in.  No loading up on groceries without a trolley now!
I am still really bored with the food.  I had a bowl of steamed vegies last night and I just couldn't eat them.  They were so bland and gross.  I sat and watched the rest of the family have meat pie and potato, carrots & corn. 
Another early night for me. Tomorrow is weigh in day!

Day 6, How do you do this with no sleep?

So tired. 
Rosie woke at 3am as usual, had to give her a bottle.  She actually settled pretty quickly but I just could not get to sleep.  So I tossed and turned until 6am when I finally gave up and got up to start preparing for the day.  I actually felt a bit sick.  Didn't think I could stomach my morning shake. 
I got everyone organised for the day, as much as I love Wednesday's (kindy day), I also hate them.  The mornings are so hectic and stressful.  No matter how prepared I can be for the day, 3 kids can be unpredictible.  Be it Danni who is moody because she was woken up.  She refuses to get dressed because she is so moody.  Or Rosie who is clingy and just doesn't want to be put down.  Or Billie who just seems to slip into another dimension when I am trying to talk to her.
Everyone out the door by 8am, all be it with me screaming at them like a banchie.
I am so stressed and tired by the time they are all strapped into their seats, all I want to do is just sit behind the wheel with the aircon blowing full ball on my face, the radio off.  I just want to hear nothing for a minute.
Finally drop everyone off to where they need to be so I ducked into the shops to get a few thing.  I was still feeling ill and just didn't have the energy so got a few essentials (like my comping mags) and came home again.
Did a quick tidy up of the house, because if anyone was to break in while I was out and it looked the way it looked, I would be so embarassed!
My Mother In Law wanted to take me to her Cake Supply store to try to get some things to make Rosie's 1st Birthday party food and cake.  So I picked her up and we checked out the store.  My MIL then showed me around the store and showed me all the little things that help make cake making easier. 
After that we joined my Sister In Law for lunch at the Tavern to remember my FIL who passed away 9 years ago.  We always go to lunch and have a play on the pokies.  Things he liked to do.  I knew I was going to be going off track but I had planned for it.  I still made good choices, I ordered the Battered Snapper, no chips or mash, and the salad bar.  Although I did eat my favourite Seafood Salad, I actually was very proud of myself for also filling up my plate with the garden salad that I ate along with my fish.  I also had 2 mini dinner rolls.  Yummiest thing I have ever eaten I am sure!  I was very full.  We then had a bash on the pokies, so much for devine intervention, I came out $20 out pocket!  lol, although I won $4 on Keno, I put it in a machine on the way out and my MIL shared her winnings of $20 with me because I was the one that hit the button that got her the free spins lol!
Went back to my MIL for a cup of tea and a chat while we watched the first of the Chile Miners be bought back up, what an incredible moment.
Picked Billie up from school, took her to her Skipping lessons.  I really needed coffee, I actually don't drink coffee, if I have one, it keeps me awake for a month.  But after being up since 3am, I needed one.  So I ordered a Cappacino from the kiosk and I actually really enjoyed it!
Picked up dinner for the tribe on the way home, McDonalds, while they all ate, I got organised to go out for my Make A Wish meeting.  I didn't even touch a chip!
Got caught in a traffic jam on the highway on the way to the meeting, a car had rolled over at Ormeau.  Lucky I was near the exit so I took that and went the off highway way down the coast.  Got to the meeting with a second to spare.
Got home at 9pm, still feeling full from lunch so didn't have another shake or any dinner.  I hade a cup of Chammomile tea and then got ready to go to bed.  But Rosie had other plans.
So I hit the 20 hour mark of being awake.  All I could do was cry.  Jason took over and tried to get Rosie to sleep. I just curled up in a ball on my bed and cried.  Next thing I know, its 3am and Rosie is crying again.  Jason got up to her, I went back to sleep.  I hear someone in our driveway at 5.15am and Rosie crying, I go and give her her dummy again and get back into bed.  My alarm goes off at 6.30am. 
Here we go again...............................

God damn it I lost it!

Day 5 on Opti.
You wouldn't believe the scales if I told you!  I won't, I am waiting until friday.  But wow!  I hope my surgeon is happy in 3 weeks!
I had to put this down because I need to be held accountable.  Sharing it with anyone who is reading, will hopefully guilt me into not doing it again lol!
I had 6 BBQ chips!  (smiths chips)
I had just finished lunch and something snapped in me.  I walked to the cupboard, thought I will just taste one.  I tasted one, it even tasted like crap, but I still grabbed some more, (5 more) and ate them one by one!
I knew what I was doing, I knew it was wrong.  I knew I had to stop.  So I did.  I walked away and had a glass of water.  But then my brain was saying go again, go on, go again.  I shut that arsehole up with my shake! hehehehe!
I am disgusted in myself for breaking, but proud of myself for stopping.
I am so honoured to see I have so many followers.  Thank you for sharing this with me.  I don't know who else is reading but hi and thank you.  I am waking up to messages everyday from so many people.  It is really helping.
I am sharing this journey with a friend who I have known for 5 years.  We have never met in person.  But we have learnt alot about each other over the years.  We got to know each other through a Biggest Loser TV show forum.  She is having lap band surgery 2 weeks after I have my sleeve.  I hope together her and I can get through this and be an inspiration to each other.  You know who you are and you know I am here for you as much as you have been for me.  We have both been talking and have questioned why, 5 years later we are both still in the same boat. (all be it a big one!).  Each year after applying to be contestants on THe Biggest loser, we would be rejected and both of us would say, Well we will do this on our own, we don't need a TV show.  Well, we haven't!  But this is our time to shine!
This afternoon driving home from picking my daughter up from school, I saw a cloud in the sky shaped like a swan.  I took it as an omen (from ugly duckling to a beautiful swan).  I also saw it as a message from Heaven.  Tomorrow is the 9th Anniversary of losing my Father In Law. 
So here is a warning, tomorrow I am going out to lunch with my Mother In Law and Sister In law to play the pokies (same thing we do every year to remember FIL).  I will be eating something I am not supposed to!  As much as I will do my best to have the healthiest option I can, keep in mind, we will be at a club and there are limited options!
Today is 2 weeks until my babies 1st birthday, it is also 3 weeks until my surgery date!
Well I am off to hopefully get a full nights sleep.  The almost 1 year old has been waking up between 2am and 3am every morning for about 7 weeks now!  Hubby and I are exhausted!

Day 4 feeling alot better

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVNmnpdo7zQ

Feeling alot better today, have had a little more motivation to do some things around the house.  Although this rain is really putting a dampener on my spirits (spirits, did someone say spirits, mmm bundy), sorry lost concentration for a second there. 
I have put a link to a video of the surgery I will be having.  I keep watching it over and over. 
Mum sent me a text before "talking to danni about swimming pool at new place and she saying me kick kick and blow bubbles and my mummy go in to".  One day baby girl, one day.
I am actually feeling quite proud of myself today, I have just got everyone elses dinner in the oven.  Porcupines.  Yum, family favourite.  It was the first meal Jase cooked for me at home.  It might sound stupid to some about being proud of having dinner in the oven ready to go.  But for me, I haven't had the energy to brush my hair the last 3 days, so that is a milestone for me!  I have even done the dishes after breakfast and lunch.  Again, might seem small to some, but for me to have the motivation back, is reassuring.  Just hope I have the will power to not eat the Porcupines! hehehe!  Must organise my vegies for my dinner.  Hmm what will it be tonight, steamed, stirfry, or should I have a salad!?


5pm
Oh my god, the porcupines smell amazing!  Seriously, I could dump my head in the dish and bob for meatballs like you do apples!  Yum!
Off to cut up my salad.  Going to have it with a little vinegar.


8pm
Screw you porcupines!  I won!  I didn't even have a lick!
What a difference today has been.  I have felt so much better.  I really hope this continues.

> True friendship isn't about being their when it's convenient, its about being there when it's not <

Miserable Day 3

Miserable.  That is it. 

Well that was all I was going to put, because that is all that I felt.  The hunger pains aren't as bad now.  But the bland boring food I am eating is really not satisfying.  So while I may not be hungry I am still hungry for flavour.
I am trying to keep reminding myself of the bigger (smaller) picture but right now, 3 weeks of these bland boring untasteful vegetables is doing my head in!
I am getting so many messages of support which I REALLY appreciate.  Honestly, it is keeping me going.
I keep hearing "It's not forever", I know that, but right now, it seems like it.
My mum sent me a text saying "Sending you strength" I replied "Thanks but can you send a Big Mac"!
Jason is being so helpful, he has had to do all of the house and kids all weekend.  I am glad I started this friday because I had his help all weekend.  I just haven't had the strength to do anything.  We moved our girls bedrooms around.  I almost passed out.  I have never felt this drained of energy (even when I had newborn babies and had never slept).  This is just a whole new level of exhaustion.
Jase has been trying to suggest things I can make to help make the food taste a little nicer.  Sadly it all includes things I can't have.  He wanted to read the instructions I have been given because he didn't believe that I can't have any protein.  Even he thinks its wrong!
I went to bed at 8pm, I just couldn't stay up anymore.  I just want to sleep the next 3 weeks away. 
I actually weighed myself today.  All I can say is, yep I think I passed my liver!  Wow!  But that will happen when you starve yourself!  I won't share the results yet, because I know it is just my body in initial shock and its just fluid.  It may go up yet.

`Rivers know this: there is no hurry.  We shall get there some day` Winnie the Pooh

Day 2 Ok, this is harder than I expected!

BEFORE

I really struggled today.  I was so hungry I had cramps.  Not just your normal hunger pains, but actual cramps.  My joints were cramping up, I had a headache, I was moody, I was tired.  I don't remember feeling this bad on Tony Ferguson
I had a busy morning with my Make A Wish families in Surfers Paradise.  I know what I did wrong, I think I left it too long between meals.
I had done a few laps of Surfers Paradise trying to find my families and doing a bit of grocery shopping for them.  I was so exhausted I thought I was going to collapse.  When I finally got back to my car I just had to sit there for a bit and rest.  It was horrible.
Driving home I really didn't think I was going to make the 40 minute trip.  So I looked for somewhere to get a salad, subway, sumo salad.  The closest place I found was McDonalds.  Now the saying "going to McDonalds for a Salad is like going to a brothel for a hug" really makes sense! lol
I ordered my $8.95 salad, it took them 18 minutes to make it, no word of a lie, I was that hungry I timed them lol!
So I get my bowl and go and find a seat so I can savour it.  Isn't lettuce supposed to be green?  I had some dodgy white looking lettuce that I would normally give to our chickens!  But I was so hungry I ate it.  And I had a diet coke.
Feeling alot better I left for home.
The rest of the afternoon I spent laying on the lounge.  Poor Jase, he had to get dinner organised and deal with the kids.  I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow.  I tried to sleep but the pains kept me awake.
The reason behind doing Optifast before surgery is to shrink your liver so that the surgeon can get to your stomach.  They have to move the liver out of the way.  Well I don't think I will have that problem anymore.  I am sure I passed my liver at some stage yesterday.  There can't be anything else in there to come out!  I was considerign taking some imodium as it was that bad!  No wonder you lose weight on it!

As a Queenslander, we have been complaining about the rain we have been having the last 3 weeks, its raining here again today.  I say its a blessing, because the amount of water I am drinking, our dams need replenishing.

While I was struggling I started to think about why I am doing this and what has got me here.
I have never really seen myself as fat, maybe I have the opposite to annorexia.  I am happy, I have a beautiful family that love me, a husband that finds me sexy, friends that love me for me.  So I have never been one to really notice what strangers have ever thought about my weight, I haven't cared.  I watch the biggest loser programs etc and I hear of them saying they hear snide remarks from strangers etc.  I never really noticed it. 
I do remember 2 occassions that really have stuck with me.  One was at my Year 10 school formal.  I felt like a princess.  I loved my dress and thought I looked hot.  I remember a fellow student watching me dance and then making gestures about my belly bouncing.  I will never forget that.
Another time, before I moved to QLD, I lived in Cronulla, NSW.  I used to ride my bike everywhere.  I loved it. I was always on a diet or 2 also but I just loved getting out on my bike.  I still do (if I ever get the chance).  I remember riding along and I can tell you the exact spot, I was going through the roundabout just outside where the old Northies used to be.  I heard someone yell out "Fat chick on a bike".  I turned around and scanned the area to try to see what they were talking about, it sounded like a real spectacle the way they said it.  I couldn't see anything and looked back towards the car that the yelling had come from.  It turns out they were talking about me!  I just never saw myself as a spectacle, I still don't.
Yesterday afternoon, Jase got some DVD's for the girls to watch and one for us.  Once the girls had gone to bed he put on the movie he had chosen.  It was called "kick ass".  I had never heard of it. 
Halfway through, I had to ask Jase if I was so hungry I was hallucinating because I couldn't believe how stupid the movie was!  By then I knew it was time for me to go to bed!

~It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed~

Day 1 of Optifast

Thanks for following my journey!  I hope I can provide some entertainment for you all! lol
Well couple hours before bed, I seemed to have survived the first day of Optifast.
I started with my Coffee shake, not as nice as the Tony Ferguson Shakes but its ok.  I actually love the convenience of breakfast shakes, I can drink it, its done, then I can go on with dealing with the tribe.  Feeding time at the zoo!
Also had a cup of tea with a equal sweetner, I had actually cut out my sugar in my tea about 3 months ago, at the same time I cut out coke.  So pretty used to that.
I then had a big glass of water.
Well you all know what comes next after all that liquid, so many trips to the loo and its not even 7.30am! lol
The rest of the day was pretty non eventful, I have very slow internet usage at the moment as I had gone over my limit.  (Since the iphone this seems to happen alot!)  So couldn't kick anyones butt at Bejeweled or enter any competitions.
Lots more water, a couple more shakes, chocolate this time, blurgh!
Did a special photo for a friend who sadly lost her 1 day old baby boy 12 months ago (it is his birthday today), to remember Connor friends and family were asked to take a photo of his name in some way.  The photos she has received so far are just beautiful.  He will definately not be forgotten.
It rained all day also so was stuck inside with Danni. 
Took my before shots last night!  If ever you want a big dose of reality, get someone to take a photo of you from behind!!!  I need to find a WIDELOAD sign to carry around!  Not ready to share them yet!  (Yes I hear your sighs of relief lol)
This morning I took my measurements.  So those weeks I don't lose on the scales, I can see if there are any differences in measurements.
I am getting a bit worried about how to eat my vegies and salads etc each day, I am sure there are only so many stirfries a person can have!
I made a big batch of Julie Goodwins Chicken Winter soup minus the chicken.  Also made a chicken stir fry minus the chicken for me!  Jase just smiled and said it was delicious!  God love him lol!
I can't have any protein at all, all the protein is in the shakes.  So I am finding it hard to think of ways to make the vegies nice.
Oh and why is it as soon as you can't eat things, you have it shoved in your face all day!  Ads on tv, only shows to watch on tv are cooking shows.  People infront of you in the supermarket que are making homemade pizza's for dinner.  Then they stand there and talk to the cashier about it for the next 45 minutes while you stand there trying to refrain from jumping on that conveyor belt and diving headfirst into the cabanosi, salami, ham, bacon, olives, sundried tomatoes and cheese!  Oh and did I mention they talked about it for 45 minutes!  Listen lady, I started a diet today, I am hungry, lethargic, hungry and ready to rip the head off the loaf of bread in the person behind me's trolley!  Take your chit chat somewhere else sweetheart!
"hi how are you today" says the cashier , finally after she has remembered she is being paid to actually work and not socialise.
"oh I am good thanks" says me the gutless (well not really, big gutted) bloody hungry right on the edge (I'm a donkey on the edge) who is too nice to tell her what I really think!
Oh and bloody hell vegetables are expensive!
Tomorrow is another day.  I am taking this one day at a time.
I had a friend share with me a quote that I found quite profound for me.  

‎~We all have the power to make wishes come true..as long as we keep believing~

The day before the rest of my life

Thursday 7th October 2010
Today is the day before the rest of my life.  Tomorrow I start the process of preparing my body for Gastric Sleeve Surgery.
I am obese, there is no denying it.
Anyone who knows me, I mean really knows me, knows how much I have tried to lose weight the usual way.  Diet, exercise, watching what I eat, Tony Ferguson, Weight Watcher, Soup Diet, Water Diet, Atkins Diet, CSIRO diet.
I have had small losses, and have put back what I lost and more or fallen pregnant!
This is my last chance to survive and be here for my girls and my husband.
My surgery date is booked for November 2nd.  I am completely terrified I will die on the table.  I am terrified something will go wrong and I will need treatment for the rest of my life.
I have PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Sydndrome.  I have been fighting a losing battle with my weight loss attempts.
I am very excited what the future holds if surgery goes smoothly.  I am excited about having energy for my girls, energy for my husband and energy for my house!  Yes I know, I said House!  I have no motivation for playing, housework etc.
I haven't really had a huge major last pig out day.
Had a nice day with some of my friends from Mumz (a Parenting forum I am a member of) and I have cooked a nice Roast Lamb.
I am sitting here savouring my last can of bundy for at least 3 months.  I will be on a limited diet for the next 12 weeks, be it the Optifast and then after surgery, liquids only, then puree, then soft food etc.
It may be only food and alcohol to some people, but these are my vices so I will enjoy them while I can.